Love without boundaries.. One year mark

Last Sunday Mrs ABC and I marked our one year anniversary with Mr and Mrs Shallow.   Funny I still use those code words for our lovers, but it's only to help those following this blog.  Yes, one year in a relationship that most would consider insane, dangerous, silly, too difficult.. did I miss one?  Seriously, after reading about most poly relationships, I've found that most are doomed from day one.

Mrs Shallow hates it when I refer to this relationship as a poly one.  And deep down, I don't consider it poly actually.   As we were lying in each others arms the other night we were discussing the term poly, and she told me she hated it because it really is just a label and our relationship is more then a silly label.  This is something I've thought about for a while as well and I realized, our relationship is unique to us.  It doesn't fit a stereotype or label because it is intimately are own.

However, labels sometimes are needed for those outside the relationship, and it's difficult at times defining what we are to others.   It's still difficult feeling comfortable telling others about our relationship, though we feel it is natural as any relationship we've had with others in our life.  I think that's why Mrs Shallow (see another label) is unwilling to call it "poly".  I think she does not wish to cheapen the relationship with a term that some look at as weird or strange.  Though I feel some people do not view that word the same, the problem is a majority of Americans would and do consider what we're doing as weird or crazy.

Most prejudice originates from fear and the lack of knowledge.  The problem with most Americans is they have been indoctrinated at church and in our homes that "different" isn't always a good thing.  But over the past 30 years diversity and celebrating difference is now considered a good thing by the secular world.  The whole Gay Marriage debate is a clash of traditional home style values and secular progression.   But then again, why do we have to take sides?  Why can't we adopt what we want from each side and call it a day?

When I look at our relationship with our lovers and I'm sure they may see similar qualities in us.  They are a lot like us in many ways.  Conservative in some area's politically, from similar socio-economic backgrounds.  We were a little different in terms of religious belief, but we do hold a number of traditional values as well.   The difference is we have sex with more then one partner!  I know.. it's so horrible to the religious world we often come from, but strange enough we're still upstanding citizens.  We still pay our taxes, we still push our children to excel in school.  No we haven't turned into crack addicted addicts roaming the streets!

What we simply enjoy together is a deep and quiet love for one another.  One that has grown and developed over the past year.  A love that maybe complicated at times, but also something that has brought us all great joy and happiness.  I remember on my religious mission, how I'd tell investigators that the sign that something is from God is that it would bear "fruit" of happiness, peace and joy.  Well, I've felt that joy and happiness, from the intimate embraces of my lover, to enjoying the friendship now I have with her spouse, to the feelings of family we share when they spend the weekend with my wife and our family (our kids).  So God or no God, the simple truth is that we are HAPPY.  Is it perfect.. of course not, but what is ever perfect.

Some wonder if it's about sex.  It hasn't been about sex for sometime for me.  It's been about creating a new relationship, with all it's challenges and complexities.  It's been about harvesting the fruits of that relationship and finding out what love is all about.  I'm looking forward to the next year and what it may bring.  One thing I have learned though, you have to take everything one day at a time.  That's what I love most about this relationship, no promises, no expectations.  But I do know that everyone in this relationship has enjoyed the sublime joy and happiness I've mentioned.  It's that happiness that keeps us together, and I hope it motivates us to work out any challenge we may face in the future.  I just love what we have and what we are now.

For those considering this type of lifestyle.  Yes, it is worth it.  Is there a risk of failure? Could you get hurt emotionally ?  Is there a risk of affecting your primary relationships?  The answer of course is YES.  But think about this.. isn't there a risk of that happening anyway?   I'm not advocating that everyone should jump into a relationship like our own, but I wouldn't discourage you from it.

First real update.. Yes, we have it!

Kind of left it in the air last May, but it's time to come clean.  Yes, my wife and I have contracted HSV2 (Genital Herpes).  It's funny that today I make that announcement, but last night my wife mentioned she maybe having her second outbreak, which I later confirmed examining her.  This one is a lot less painful then the first, but it's the final confirmation that we have this nasty little disease.

So is it the end of our world.. OH HELL NO!!  Hardly.. but it has caused us to reflect on our choices in terms of future swinging experiences.  It hasn't affected our relationship with our  lovers, in fact in some ways it has brought us even closer together.  But it has required us to completely change the way we interact sexually with others in the lifestyle.  In fact we've been celibate in terms of opening up to anyone new.   Most of that is just a satisfaction with what we currently have with our dear friends, but then there is still that itch (pardon the pun) to mingle with new people.  The reality is that responsibly sexual people tell their potential partners that they have an STD.  Mrs ABC had had a number of single men ask if it was possible to get together, but when the subject of STD's are brought up, then it's silence from the other side (which we both understand).  There still have been a couple of guys willing but Mrs ABC is just not in the mode to push it.  So yes, there is a curiosity but not an over whelming need for it at all.  As she put it, she's feeling more then sexually fulfilled at this point and nothing in our swinging adventures ever touched what we have now.

Swinging was always more about the flirting then the sex.  In swinging the "newness" was a turn on to Mrs ABC, because it was almost like the "hunt".  To be honest, I liked flirting as well, especially with someone new that finds you sexy.  In the beginning of our swinging lifestyle, I think I really didn't enjoy it like I could have because of some self image issues with myself, but lately, as I exercise and lose weight, I'm now finding that I'm attractive and sexy in my own way.  Sexy is just a state of mind I'm finding, a way of being, less about how you look naked.

One thing that has bothered me though is the attitude among swingers regarding STD's.  I posted a long forum message about our plight.  Many thought it was brave and to be honest I was nervous doing so.  But the supportive response was appreciated.  The sad truth is it did very little to change most swingers attitudes about playing.  Just read another blog today about Mormon Swingers, it made me realize how naive we were in the beginning of this adventure.  I can't even believe how sad I would have been if our STD had come from some casual mean nothing sexual encounter with another couple.   The fact that we possibly contracted it form someone we love and care about is one thing, but to think we could have picked it up from someone we barely knew, now that would have been a harder pill to swallow.

This last paragraph is to all you experienced, newbie, and potential swingers!!  Read this carefully and think about it.  IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU!  Do the research folks and protect yourself.   There should be a warning label that you get at each party anyone attends in the lifestyle.   Warning:  Sex can be dangerous to your health, especially if you do not use proper safe sex practices, such as condoms, dental dams, but even that is not a guarantee that you will not get it from touch as well (See HSV2).

Decided to bring back my blog

I've decided to bring back ABC's of Swinging for the time being.  Reason I took it down were for personal reasons.  A family member had found the blog, and frankly I felt uncomfortable with it out there at that point.  Since then I've decided that what ever my "family' thinks they know is just fine.  This family member that does read this blog is unlikely to tell others, but if she found it then it's just a matter of time before more find out.

One reason I'm bringing it back is that we (Mrs ABC and I) have had a number of profound experiences in our life that merit our sharing them with our small community.  I'm going to take each topic separately so not to diminish it's importance.  As for updates and play by play details of sexual experiences, sorry folks, this "ain't" the place for that type of post.  The biggest reason is for how I view sex.  Though I think I've grown from my Mormon roots in terms of the way I used to view sex, I still view it differently then others, including my wife.

I've also struggled recently as to define who I am within the parameter of swinging.  Am I a swinger, or am I poly, or am I just my own unique brand?  I'm realizing that labels are useless really and often it just is what it is.  Sorry for the cliche but it's the truth in my case.

So apologies to those who read this blog in the past.  This is going to be somewhat different then past posts, though I feel it was headed that way anyway.  This blog was really created as a way to share experiences with others in the lifestyle or looking at the possibility of getting into it.  Hopefully there is something that we share that will help you in that adventure, but do it safely!!

Warning... this may make some Swingers uncomfortable

Yes, this is the post that most swingers fear.  The post that many swingers do not wish to discuss and often quietly fade into the woodwork.  Recently I came down with what I thought was a bladder infection and shortly after my wife came down with something that we've yet to confirm but it looks like HSV-2.

Now nothing is confirmed and we were shocked.  We've been in a closed relationship now with another couple for several months.  We were all STD tested for the basic Planned Parenthood standard STD nasties.  But of course they don't test for Herpes, and so we didn't have any symptoms ever so why test.

Now we're unsure that anyone has HSV-2 at this point.  My wife came down with symptoms that her OBGYN thinks is Herpes, she's taken the test now.  Our lovers have taken the test, I'm going to take the test tomorrow, but it's a little unsettling.  Not to get too graphic, but it could be a number of different scenarios at this point.  We're hoping it's just a staph infection at this point.

But even if it isn't HSV-2, it still has rocked us.  We've been kind of on our way out of swinging full time anyway.  But this would put the nail in the proverbial coffin.  I think my wife would still like to continue in the lifestyle if she is not infected with HSV-2 but after educating ourselves about this disease, the typical Swinger lifestyle is now not as appealing.

The lifestyle is not what is the issue, it's how couples are about it.  STD's are so misunderstood in regards to how they are transmitted.  Recently on a forum on a popular swinging site we use locally, there was a forum post about STD's.  It was  incredible how flippant the posters were about oral sex.  What they don't realize is how easy it is to get HSV-2 even with condoms on when someone is shedding HSV-2 virus.

Even if we find out that the blood test is negative, the reality is we're not too excited about new partners at this point.  The couple we're with now is like family anyway, and I personally have not been interested lately in exploring new love with others anyway.  But I think this will really put a crimp on any "hookup" sex in the future.  As one of our partners stated, "I will require full STD results before I'm touching anyone in the future".

One cool thing though, we've all had many discussions about this subject with one another.  All of us knew the risks that we were taking getting into this lifestyle.  It's not something we can now blame on others.  I'm not sure if this happens often, but we've already discussed the possibility of contacting all former sexual partners if we find out if she's positive for HSV-2.  I'm sure there will be some uncomfortable conversations, but the problem is that most symptomatic male carriers of HSV-2 do not even realize they are carrying the disease.  And it's much easier to infect another female then male.

Bottom line my fellow swingers or those thinking about it.  Any sexual contact, with or without condoms is risky!!  If you engage in sex with others, you may eventually contract a STD.  Hopefully you are lucky and you keep the risks to a minimum, but the danger is always there, especially any unprotected genital or ORAL SEX.  Oral sex is the biggest issue in the swinging community.  So many will engage in unprotected oral sex, we have in many cases as well.

We're crossing our fingers.  Tomorrow we'll know for sure.  We're hoping that everyone receives a clean bill of health, but we're also mentally and emotionally ready for bad news if we get it.  Luckily we're in a committed relationship with our friends and lovers.  We're also committed in our own marriage.  The key to dealing with this type of thing is acquiring as much knowledge as you are able.  We'd also be much more careful though if we could do it all over again.  Even if we dodge the proverbial STD bullet, any sexual contact  beyond our current partners will be carefully scrutinized.

Learning as we go.....

If you have been following this blog you probably have noticed a seismic shift in our lifestyle activities.  Yes, what we want out of the lifestyle has been going through a number of physical, emotional and intellectual changes in the past few months.

I'm not sure we planned on this happening to us but call it fate or pure luck what we did find has changed our lives in profound ways.  Now when I reflect back on the beginning of this affair, I probably pushed it on the other three in our quad.  And by pushing I don't mean aggressively telling everyone they need to be in this relationship.  But I think I'm a initiator and I've been given confirmation by the other three that this would have never developed unless I had the courage to explore something that threatened every ones status quo.

Maybe it wasn't courage, maybe there was a little selfish reasons to want it.  But now we have something that is beautiful and wonderful but also emotionally volatile.  Anyone who thinks poly amorous relationships are not more complicated is fooling themselves.  The pay off is unimaginable though, and as we progress in our relationships it has been an adventure of self discovery, love, bliss, and yes sometimes tears.

For those thinking of going down this path... warning... proceed only if you can really look inside yourself and see what really is inside!  It's not for the weak of heart or for those whom cannot communicate.  Would I suggest it to others?  Yes! But again with the earlier warning.

The emotional part of this type of relationship is intense.  From falling in love in the beginning, the conflict and emotion of dealing with perceived loyalties to your main partner, to dealing with jealousy.  But it can be much deeper, especially if there is any unresolved drama in your own past.  The drama or issues will and have to be dealt with in due time or they will come through at unsuspected times. And it's not just one person struggling or having an issue they are dealing with in their life. Patience is so important in this type of relationship, perhaps my biggest struggle.  And there does need to be some type of commitment and acknowledgement of what is actually happening.

The only commitment we have with this other couple is that we all agree to not run away when the drama does occur, and to communicate with ALL members of our quad.   We actually had a more difficult time then we thought with this in the beginning.  Often we'd end up talking to the person we were with and not with all parties together.  This would often end up in situations where someone heard something third person about how they were dealing with the whole situation.  So we finally agreed to all plop down on one bed together and on occasion talk about any issue that we may be wanting to discuss.  It's not been often but the times we have had this "talk" has been great for the relationship.

We've also had some great "group" play time as well.  Early on in the relationship there were a few in our quad who felt that sometimes we paired off to quickly and often we'd separate into different rooms and not see our primary partners until the next morning.  Sometimes this still happens, but I think we've all agreed that often our most memorable nights are the ones we spend together, at least the first few hours, then getting some alone time with our lovers.

As we've grown closer through this experience, we've opened up our home and family.  Though we haven't discussed with our kids our sexual relationship (and won't unless confronted directly someday), our kids are familiar with our lovers.  It's almost like a good friend/Aunt-Uncle relationship, and our lovers do not have any kids of their own, so in some ways I think they've enjoyed that feeling of family that my wife enjoy with our children.

Telling friends or extended family has been something we haven't really tackled as of yet.  Our lovers are private and we respect their wishes that we keep this private.  This blog is a real general over view of our relationship, but my wife and I have already had experiences with our parents finding out about our lifestyle activities.  I imagine that eventually it may get out that we have special friends, and I'm sure we'll have to be ready to deal with the family firestorm of "concern".  My feelings are that this will eventually work itself out, as I get more comfortable with this relationship my ability to communicate it to others (or not communicate) will become more natural.

The way we view the relationship has actually been one of the more challenging things in all of this.  One constant is that we all have deep affection and love for one another.  We also all realize that the relationship has certain boundaries and limits when it comes to the primary relationships.  But we also realize that this is changing on a daily basis.  Defining what it exactly is or is not is almost impossible and frankly I really don't care what anyone thinks it is.  The important thing is that my wife and I love each other, that we care and love two other people that are now part of our life.  It's that simple and that complicated and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Will it last until we all die?  I really don't know.  But I stopped worrying about the future long ago.  The future will take care of itself, all I can concentrate on is enjoying the present with those I love.